Ok, it’s time to update my friends with what’s going on.
Annie and I both felt that we had come way too far to simply toss our relationship out with the trash. That said, we agreed to have a seize-fire until we could see our counselor about blending the two families. We had only one session before today’s, so the initial appointment was the usual fact-finding routine. You know…were you breast-fed too long…did Daddy touch you in your “private zone”…were you happy as a kid…yada, yada, yada.
Our appointment today contained much more actual therapy. Today we actually learned what we were doing wrong while we fought, and how to go about changing that behavior to be more constructive in problem resolution. We also learned how to handle our “trouble children”, and what to do in order to modify their behavior.
The most important thing that came out of today were rules of engagement. Fair fighting rules that we both have to abide by when we decide to tangle with each other.
All in all, we both walked out of the clinic feeling much better. We have some common ground that we can work from. Now all we have to do is practice what we’ve been taught.
I think I need to tell everybody what’s going down in my home. I’ve
been getting a lot of questions about it due to the posts on Annie’s
blog, so I will give you a synopsis of the events that unfolded with-
out going into the gory details.
Annie and I had connected on a level that I had not never experienced
with any other woman. We saw things in very similar ways, from politics
to religion…we understood each other. So much so that at times we
could almost have conversations without saying a word.
We decided to move in with each other. Not for convenience; it was the
beginning of our family life together. We understood that it would be
difficult, but we accepted the challenge and vowed to trudge through
the muck.
This is where Annie and I begin to disagree about how things started to
degrade. Annie had challenges with my boys disrespecting her, and I
had the same challenges with her girls. There were a lot of mistakes
made by both parties. Let’s face it, nobody is perfect. The one thing
I have held true to, however, is that there MUST be a united front
as it relates to parenting. To be clearer, one parent can never undermine
the other parent’s authority by overriding a decision made or by having
a hearing about the decision with the parent on the witness stand, the
child acting as the plaintiff, and the opposite parent accepting the role
as the prosecutor. My position has always been that if one parent
disagreed with the other parent, accept whatever decision was being made
at that very moment and then discuss the disagreement in private…
out of earshot of the kids.
While Annie agreed with this, she has allowed it to happen repeatedly.
This came to a head on Sunday, when I was bothered by how her daughter
treats me in my own home. She hadn’t even acknowledged my presence
there for the better part of two weeks. The event that triggered it
was pretty benign. Her youngest daughter was riding a scooter and
had parked it on the stairs leading to my front door. Not only is it
a safety hazard, it sets up a bad habit for the coming of spring/summer.
So, I took the scooter and put it in the garage. As I was walking to
the garage, her daughter addressed me for the first time in the past
couple of weeks by saying “Don’t put that away…I’m not done with it”.
She knew the rules, was reminded of them by Annie, and still left the
scooter where it was. I replied “Yes, you are. You know where the
scooter goes, and I’m putting it away now. It’s not yours, anyway.”
At this point, the child proceeded to tell me that I had purchased
it for “the family”. I didn’t respond to that, because I did not want
to get into a back-and-forth argument with a 10 year-old. Sky then
went to her mother to complain that she had “nothing to ride”, and that
I took the scooter away. At that point, Annie came to me inquiring
why that was done, and did so in front of the child. So, here we are.
Me on the witness stand, Annie as the prosecutor, and Sky as the
plaintiff. What was the end result? The child gets her way, I’m
depicted as a schmuck, and we move along with our heads buried in the
sand. 45 minutes pass. The child comes back into the house wearing
her sister’s jacket. Her sister asks her to take it off. Sky then
goes upstairs to get permission from her mother to wear it. Permission
granted. This is less of an issue, but the theme is consistent. Sky
doesn’t get her way…runs to “mumma”, and the parent enables the
behavior.
I’m not trying to say that Annie is a bad mother. She’s not. I just
think that she has gotten so used to throwing her body in front of
buses for them that she has a very hard time trusting anybody else
to care for them. So much so, that she is not seeing the problems
as they are. Sky’s teachers see the behavioral problems. Babysitters
have quit over her antics. Annie’s own family recognizes the issues,
and for a while, did not want Sky involved in sleepovers….all because
of behavioral issues. There IS a problem.
Annie’s problem with me is my anger. Do I have anger issues? Yes.
Has my anger been worsened by the preceding issues? Absolutely. So
much so, that I asked that we go to a counselor to help us deal with
it. I walked out of our first session completely annoyed. Why?
Because we ripped the scab off of some issues that strike at the very
heart of our problems. My anger does not exist in a vacuum. Annie
has a habit of immediately invalidating what I tell her is bothering
me…as if my feelings can be wrong somehow. Regardless of what
made me feel what I am feeling, the feelings are there, and they are
real. We sat there, in front of a counselor, and when I was asked
about how I was feeling and why I was reacting the way I was, Annie
sat there and invalidated what I was saying as if it were a natural
reflex.
So, I guess what I am saying is that while Sky needs some help, my
real problem is with her mother. It took my father to talk to me
before I realized that this was the case. My anger has been directed
in the wrong place. As a 37 year-old man, you’d think I’d be smarter.
I’m not.
I said some pretty bad things in the heat of an argument. Such
hurtful things that I will live with regret for a long time. I will
miss my family very much. As I sit here and write this entry, the
finality of it is becoming very real to me, and I cannot help but
cry from time to time. It all seems so senseless. Should I have
done things differently? Looking back, yes…there are many things
I wish I had approached in a different way. Mostly with Sky. I let
her get to me. I let the primal part of me do the thinking, and
that turned out in disaster. I understand why Annie would never want
to be with me after some of the things I have said. I just hope
she can forgive me, and not look the other way when our paths cross.
I will never forget the time I had with all of them. I will miss them
so much.
I think I would like to pursue a career in nightwear.
Yes. That’s right. I think I could thrive as a professional pajama wearer. Nobody…and I mean NOBODY can do this genre of fashion like I can. Pajama pants? I’m your fuckin man. Tee-shirts? I could live in them.
Let’s face it…ever since I saw “Mr. Mom” I have been a changed man. When Michael Keaton was in his funk, I was in his funk with him. That robe was absolutely smashing. I mean, that could be me, folks.
I know, I know…some of you are probably thinking “Gosh, Clark….you shouldn’t set your goals too high”. But dammit people, sometimes you have to grab that comet by its tail and chase your dreams.
Baby steps, though. For tonight, I will just practice. You can never be too prepared.
You know, a few weeks ago, no one imagined that we’d have accomplished what we did here tonight in New Hampshire. No one could have imagined it.
For most of this campaign, we were far behind. We always knew our climb would be steep. But in record numbers, you came out, and you spoke up for change.
And with your voices and your votes, you made it clear that at this moment, in this election, there is something happening in America.
There is something happening when men and women in Des Moines and Davenport, in Lebanon and Concord, come out in the snows of January to wait in lines that stretch block after block because they believe in what this country can be.
There is something happening. There’s something happening when Americans who are young in age and in spirit, who’ve never participated in politics before, turn out in numbers we have never seen because they know in their hearts that this time must be different.
There’s something happening when people vote not just for party that they belong to, but the hopes that they hold in common.
And whether we are rich or poor, black or white, Latino or Asian, whether we hail from Iowa or New Hampshire, Nevada or South Carolina, we are ready to take this country in a fundamentally new direction.
That’s what’s happening in America right now; change is what’s happening in America.
You, all of you who are here tonight, all who put so much heart and soul and work into this campaign, you can be the new majority who can lead this nation out of a long political darkness.
Democrats, independents and Republicans who are tired of the division and distraction that has clouded Washington, who know that we can disagree without being disagreeable, who understand that, if we mobilize our voices to challenge the money and influence that stood in our way and challenge ourselves to reach for something better, there is no problem we cannot solve, there is no destiny that we cannot fulfill. Our new American majority can end the outrage of unaffordable, unavailable health care in our time. We can bring doctors and patients, workers and businesses, Democrats and Republicans together, and we can tell the drug and insurance industry that, while they get a seat at the table, they don’t get to buy every chair, not this time, not now.
Our new majority can end the tax breaks for corporations that ship our jobs overseas and put a middle-class tax cut in the pockets of working Americans who deserve it.
We can stop sending our children to schools with corridors of shame and start putting them on a pathway to success.
We can stop talking about how great teachers are and start rewarding them for their greatness by giving them more pay and more support. We can do this with our new majority.
We can harness the ingenuity of farmers and scientists, citizens and entrepreneurs to free this nation from the tyranny of oil and save our planet from a point of no return.
And when I am president of the United States, we will end this war in Iraq and bring our troops home.
We will end this war in Iraq. We will bring our troops home. We will finish the job — we will finish the job against Al Qaida in Afghanistan. We will care for our veterans. We will restore our moral standing in the world.
And we will never use 9/11 as a way to scare up votes, because it is not a tactic to win an election. It is a challenge that should unite America and the world against the common threats of the 21st century: terrorism and nuclear weapons, climate change and poverty, genocide and disease.
All of the candidates in this race share these goals. All of the candidates in this race have good ideas and all are patriots who serve this country honorably.
But the reason our campaign has always been different, the reason we began this improbable journey almost a year ago is because it’s not just about what I will do as president. It is also about what you, the people who love this country, the citizens of the United States of America, can do to change it.
That’s what this election is all about.
That’s why tonight belongs to you. It belongs to the organizers, and the volunteers, and the staff who believed in this journey and rallied so many others to join the cause.
We know the battle ahead will be long. But always remember that, no matter what obstacles stand in our way, nothing can stand in the way of the power of millions of voices calling for change.
We have been told we cannot do this by a chorus of cynics. And they will only grow louder and more dissonant in the weeks and months to come.
We’ve been asked to pause for a reality check. We’ve been warned against offering the people of this nation false hope. But in the unlikely story that is America, there has never been anything false about hope.
For when we have faced down impossible odds, when we’ve been told we’re not ready or that we shouldn’t try or that we can’t, generations of Americans have responded with a simple creed that sums up the spirit of a people: Yes, we can. Yes, we can. Yes, we can.
It was a creed written into the founding documents that declared the destiny of a nation: Yes, we can.
It was whispered by slaves and abolitionists as they blazed a trail towards freedom through the darkest of nights: Yes, we can.
It was sung by immigrants as they struck out from distant shores and pioneers who pushed westward against an unforgiving wilderness: Yes, we can.
It was the call of workers who organized, women who reached for the ballot, a president who chose the moon as our new frontier, and a king who took us to the mountaintop and pointed the way to the promised land: Yes, we can, to justice and equality.
Yes, we can, to opportunity and prosperity. Yes, we can heal this nation. Yes, we can repair this world. Yes, we can.
And so, tomorrow, as we take the campaign south and west, as we learn that the struggles of the textile workers in Spartanburg are not so different than the plight of the dishwasher in Las Vegas, that the hopes of the little girl who goes to the crumbling school in Dillon are the same as the dreams of the boy who learns on the streets of L.A., we will remember that there is something happening in America, that we are not as divided as our politics suggest, that we are one people, we are one nation.
And, together, we will begin the next great chapter in the American story, with three words that will ring from coast to coast, from sea to shining sea: Yes, we can.
It’s been a wintery mixture of crappy weather this weekend, so I took today off from work. I probably could have gone in, but the idea of having the house to myself today was just too appealing. I loaded up the 300 slot DVD jukebox last night….sorted my movies alphabetically…and then catalogued them all in a spreadsheet. Since that is done, I imagine I will do a few loads of laundry in front of some old flicks. Sounds like a good time, no?
I had a pretty good talk with Annie over the weekend. We discussed some of the problems we have been having, and we came to some agreements. One, that we need to go to counseling. An appointment has been made, and we are going in with the attitude that we are sticking with this — but we need some help to be successful. Two, that it is very likely that I will need to go back on anti-depressants. I have been thinking about returning to my “head-meds” for a while, but have resisted doing so because of the sexual side-effects. Seeing as how there will be no sex if I am mental, this is a chance I am willing to take. I think we both understand that no one person is at fault for what we’re going through, but I need to accept the fact that I need help with certain aspects of my personality.
So, to explain the title of today’s blog. Apparently there was a slaughterhouse somewhere in California that was processing downed cattle. Ok, man…as far as I am concerned, I’m pretty disgusted by this report. A lot of this beef ended up at freakin’ schools. I think Annie and I will talk about this tonight to figure out how much we actually like to eat beef. I really was troubled by the videos on CNN. If you get a chance, check it out.
Anyway….I better get a load of wash in. I’ll be on Yahoo!, so give me a shout if you’re bored.
I used to be an intel server administrator in a former life. During that time, I had the good fortune of meeting my friend, Kermit Smith.
Kermit is deeply interested in finding out why people of faith believe in the things they do. Yes, he wants to challenge those belief systems, but more importantly, his quest is to find the reason one decides to adhere to any religion, regardless of what it is.
The discussion today was why humans have a “moral code”, and if it is due to intelligence, or if it is divinely inspired. Simply put…do humans follow social rules based on pressures placed upon them by the society they live in? Do humans need that social pressure at all? Is it our intelligence that forces us to adhere to basic moral codes, or is that instinct derived from something of a higher power?
I know my lady friend will have a field day with this discussion. And for those of you who do not know Kermit…sorry suckers! You at least can get to know him through WordPress.
So…without further ado, I introduce Kermit the agnostic.
